Why now?

Why must I feel like this now.
The moment,
that's linked to blissed happiness.
Why must I curse at myself,
and think,
of all my lonelilness.

Tears fill the corner of my eyes.
As time,
creeps away quicker with every tick.
My throat tightens,
as I fear,
whats to come: the panic, the rush of this.

Who is to believe such a small child,
one that is,
nothing but wild.
Who is to love, something like this,
Someone like me,
I'm nothing but a mess.

The words rot in my head,
Causing more pain,
Than anything I know, than my heart can handel.
The thoughts should sink,
back into my,
Dark and empty soul.

Why me?
i ask, over and over again.
It's like dejauve,
but with a nightmare, thats true.

I sit here,
My mind rotting,
my soul bearing all.

All I need, is love.
but not the song.

Last Pay Day of June 2007

I am currently at work.  This is where I find most of my free time, to chill and relax.  Okay, not so much relax.  But I do enjoy the idea of getting paid to be on the internet.  Holla'

This week as gone fantastically.  For many reasons:

1.... Getting to see old friends....Last sunday after Jeremiah and I went canoeing with our two best friends (who are also a couple), we then hung out with our other best friends (they had to work and couldn't make the trip to canoe) we picked up Jacob, which leads to reason number two.

2..... Little brothers.... Jeremiah's younger brother, Jacob, who is 13 is staying with us.  More so me, because he's sleeping on my couch, and I'm doing his laundry and making meals for him.  Why is he not at jeremiah's apartment???  Because he has horrible roommates and Jacob was uncomfortable there.  Jacob has been a lot of fun.

3... coffee with a stranger.... Tuesday I had the privlage of getting cofee with Teresa, a new girl friend of mine.  I had only met her once.  But because Jeremiah's band is looking at having her be their singer, I wanted to get to know her (so i could trust her to be around my man, lol).  We had a fabulous time and she is amazing.  she comes to play in why I am having a good week.

4... new places to decorate.... Jeremiah went today to put a deposit down for his studio apartment, where he moves in on July 31st (my birhtday) and so I am excited for he will no longer have to put up with his horrible roommates!

5.... going home to see others... I haven't seen a lot of my friends/families in over a year so Teresa is coming home with me this weekend to encounter many wonderous hugs.  Hopefully the hugs are warm, and full of love.

6... pictures of people..... last friday I had the chance to use my photography skills to help out a new friend's band.  I took lovely pictures and now people are starting to call me.  

Life is going well.  I am happy.  Jeremiah I think is happy.  Him and his brother are going to go to an amuesment park this weekend (while I am at home) So that will be good, considering that Jacob never gets to do anything fun for his parents have no money, and they flat out don't care!   

Alright.  Thanks for all the notes, I enjoy getting back on here now that I know someone reads my junk! 

Later Days.

nothing, but pissed.

http://www.freeopendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A549176&entry=20036&mode=date

here, read if you want.

growing up.... sorta an update.

I was just going to post, because I haven't in a while, and I have time to kill.

This year, my "first" year of college I have grown a lot.  Whether people think it's growing up, that is for them to judge.  I know I haven't grown taller, still the 5'2 angel that I am. 

But I have changed.  My views have changed.  My friends have changed.  Personal Financial freedom has changed.  Everything has changed except for a few (Like Jeremiah and I still being together).

My view on religion has changed when many different events happened in my church, back where I grew up.  Don't get me wrong.  I still believe in God.  I still talk to Him and pray.  But I believe that the church I went to was wrong for me.  I am still searching for that place that I feel at home.  I love the people that go to my church, but I disagree with what they are saying.  I have learned that I know longer have to fear those around me because I know that God still loves me, and doesn't that matter the most?

My friends have changed, a good change though.  When I moved up here I thought I was going to be in touch with all of my high school friends.  But we all moved on.  A few of my "friends" hate me know and wont talk to me.  I see it as wasting 12 years of our lives together.  However, two of my friends have became so much more than a best friend.  They will forever be with me and I with them.  I have made a few new friends since I've moved, but not many.  I know that they will move or I will move to a new location, so why hurt myself.  I use to try so hard to be everyone's best friend.  But the thing was, was that I didn't even like myself.  Now that I have changed my "personality" I can now socialize better and with better meaning.  

Jeremiah and I celebrated our two year anniversary almost a month ago.  There were a few times since I've moved that I about gave up on him.  We went through a lot as a couple.  but even through struggle we are still madly in love.  I can't wait to marry that guy, and that day will come. 

My family hasn't changed.  There are fewer of us, as some pass on.  But if anything I have realized that I need to be myself.  I am going to get a tattoo to represent the ending chapter of my life.  However, this tat that holds more meaning than ink, does not please my parents.  but It's who I want to be, therefor I am going to go for it.

Change is not a bad thing.  Ask those that fear change for they end up getting hurt more than those that run with it.

I think for once in my short lived life I actually love who I am.  Although I might have become a more honest/blunt/rude/bitchy person..... atleast it's me, right?

With love to those few that read it,
Dee

a good month as passed

Well,

I'm in my new apartment... I'm loving it for a variety of reasons.
I have started school.  Which I also like very much so.... I enjoy all of my classes very much... except, my small business accounting class... not to "excited" about that class.
I did have a job at payless (for 4 days). I quit because it was something awful.  I hated it soo much!  I need to find another job... but i'm enjoying the relaxing... I have money saved up so I'm not too worried about making bills.... I think i'm going to try to get a job at the amc theatre... I know some people that work there and have put in a good word for me.
jeremiah and i are doing great... we fought about monolopy yesterday.  I suppose that's just because we both are rather competive people that don't like to be wrong.... but i'd rather have stupid little battles now then a huge one later on.

that's my life in a nut shell.